namaste.

Be proud; I have recently re-infused my life with yoga. It was about time. You might question why, if I love something as much as I do yoga, was that something missing from my life for so long. Good question.

I didn’t “have” (read: make) time for yoga, but I did make time to work out for close to two hours six days a week. (‘Cause that makes sense, right?) It was more important to me to cycle, to elliptical, to run, to lift because I was afraid if I didn’t make time to do those things I would gain weight, and while I felt like I was trying to have a positive body image and learn to love myself fully in some aspects of my life, these habits were ones I was afraid to let go of. I didn’t want to have those habits and I knew they were not only counterproductive but also stealing me away from things that are healthy for ALL of me, not just my physical body (i.e. yoga). But I didn’t know what would happen if I stopped, so I didn’t.

When discussing body image as I do so often, so many people say, think about what your body can do instead of what it looks like. I would think, yeah, yeah, easy for you to say. But I tried. I started cycling and I started lifting and those became part of my life because I loved how strong I felt, I loved challenging myself, and I truly did love what I could do, what I was capable of. That being said, it became an unhealthy obsession, an addiction and eventually stopped making me happy, but instead became something I was afraid not to do. As my body became stronger, my spirit became weaker.

Well, thankfully, my spirit isn’t really something I’m willing to sacrifice. And in realizing what I was doing to myself in yet another form, I threw that shit out the window. I’m not going to tell you I don’t work out, but I cut my time in half (not to mention my intensity), and it all comes second to my yoga practices.

Do I suddenly feel happy about my body every single minute of every single day? I wish. But, truthfully, I don’t think I’ve been this close to saying yes since middle school, which is disturbing, maybe, but exciting and hopeful as well! My body is strong. My spirit is strong. My whole being is being strengthened in mind, body and spirit—what is there to fear?

And when I lay on my back in corpse pose to end my practice and I let my entire body relax, I am at peace. I end by saying Namaste in the true realization that there is beautiful light in me that is drawn to, that honors, that loves all other life on this earth. Namaste.