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Thursday, September 23, 2010

You Will Overcome

Over these next few weeks, I would like to talk about how I became who I am today. I wasn’t born like this. I wasn’t born knowing that I wanted to help everyone I saw in pain, and I wasn’t born with the love I now feel for the world. It took me years to finally find myself, and I am still not exactly where I want to be, but I’m okay with this place I find myself in everyday, because I know it to be glorious. And I love myself enough now to feel happiness for the first time in what has seemed like my entire life.

Someone the other week asked me how I could possibly feel this way. How I could possibly love every single living creature. She started comparing me to Gandhi and such. And my friend and fellow blogger, mt, started talking about a similar situation that really opened my eyes into exactly what I am. To repeat some of what she wrote, she said a friend of hers called her such a loving person. And she responded by saying she was in fact not a loving person, she was a person who chose to love. Because when you think about it, everyone has that capability and my friend and I are no different from anyone. Everyone has that light, that beauty, that heart that allows him or her to open his or her eyes to a world of love. And it breaks my heart to see people who don’t think they can ever feel love. I know how they feel. I was there. I was the person every night that went to bed wondering if anyone would care if I didn’t wake up the next morning. I was the person who sat there counting the number of people who would cry at my funeral, and if I thought the number was good enough, maybe I wouldn’t think about ending my life. This is where my story starts. I cannot remember a time where I didn’t feel pain. I was always isolated, was picked on since elementary school, and had my heart broken countless times by people I thought were my “best friends.” So I withdrew, and told myself that no one would miss me. The world would keep fucking spinning, and no one would blink an eye, except for my parents, but they would move on. At least I wouldn’t have to cry every night and wouldn’t have to feel so unloved. I could stop the pain. This is my struggle. One that will stick with me I believe forever. But I am happy now, and that’s what matters. I beat the best of it with the help of some amazing people I met on my journey to becoming me. So here is a little bit of what I used to fight with, what I eventually overcame with love.

“InNeR TuRmOiL”

(I am Dan)

It’s coming—
I can feel it.
I always know when
The psycho’s about to step in
And I’m about to leave.
Buildup in my head…
My head…my head…
My head… … …

(I am Dan’s self-hatred)

Jha%sd!goijah$gkjh&asd uuahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck here goes the routine:

Pulling at my hair
Scratching till I bleed
Picking at my skin
Beating—beating, beating
Till bruises and welts and
Gashes register…they never
Register. I keep smacking
Punching, stabbing, hitting
Banging, banging—banging
Till I get it through my head.
I get it all too well…

(I am Dan’s psychotic self, in Dan’s pathetic little head)

Psycho: LOSER
FUCKUP
MISTAKE


(I am Dan’s conscience, wherever that may be)

Dan: No. No, no. Why, why, why?!
This isn’t fair
I hate this

Psycho: JUST KILL YOURSELF
NO ONE LIKES YOU
YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT
GO DIE

Dan: No! Why? I hate my life
Why are they so mean?
Maybe it is me…it’s gotta be me…



Psycho: IT IS YOU
YOU SEE IT
GRAB IT, IT’S YOURS
USE IT!


Dan: Not again. I’m a week clean
No one likes me
I can’t take this
I can’t take the pain


(I am Dan's unhealthy obsession: his self-mutilation )

Cut.

THAT’S IT. MORE!

Cut.

LET IT OUT
DEEPER
MAKE IT HURT


Cut deep.

“Ouch! Fuck. Shit, fuck.”

The heavens open up and
It’s raining into the red sea.
It burns my leg; I like that pain.
It’s on the surface; I control it,
I know it, I see it, I am it.
I like that leg; it’s easy to hide.
I grab tissues,
Gauze, Band-Aids…

Shit I need more

White t-shirt soon to be garbage
Soon to be red
Soon to be drenched
Soon to be dead.
Wound is tied tight.

YOU KNOW YOU
WANT TO DO IT

So I write down everything he said.

(I am Dan’s sick and twisted ways)

Loser
Fuckup
Mistake
Just kill yourself
No one likes you
You’re a piece of shit
Go die


I add some more while I wait:

No one
Invisible
Ugly
Fatass
Psy…

No! That’s not me
It can’t be me…


The floodgates open again
The dam is broken,
My goal.
I let it all out.



That is me
I’m a Freak
Why am I here?
No one would miss me
No one would miss the Psycho

It seems dry enough.

(Sigh)…Here comes the other routine:

(I am Dan’s autonomic processes)

Band-Aids,
Gauze for some and tape,
Lots and lots of tape, and…

“Fuck!”

Neosporin…well look at the Fuck up
Shit twice? Really!? Ugh.

I’ll just get more scars—
Lost count a while ago.


(I am Dan's reflection: his self-disgust )

I’m back from Nam—
Psycho’s left
But never gone,
Battles scars to prove it
But those fake stories are useless.
There is a shortage of clothes so I used tape.
I can’t look in the mirror
I’ve seen it before
But I stare.

That’s disgusting—
I’m disgusting

I think of her…
How she loves me
How she puts up with me.

I don’t get it
Fat, beaten, tampered,
Garbage, psychotic. I look like a
Mutilated piece of meat.
So many scars

I want to hurt the psycho
Behind the looking glass
For doing this to me.
He is somewhere deep inside;
I know him, I see him, I am him, but
I just can’t control him,
So I think of ways to punish him.

(I am Dan’s perverse retribution)

I’ll show him
Showers, rubbing alcohol
Peroxide, make it burn
Make it all burn.
I’ll make him burn!

“Shit my mom”

(I am Dan’s third party)

It’s automatic—
I don’t even think.

Pants—“ugh ouch”—check
Clothes—check
Hair—decent enough
Lick the fingers clean
Hide the cleanup crew
Put on shoes
Deep breath

I wish people knew
I can’t tell anyone
They would lock me up
Freak the fuck out
No one can know
I wish they knew
Maybe I’d get help
But not today…
Today I go on smiling

Mask—check

(I am Dan’s fake pathetic excuse for a life)

Ready to take on the world
Till the next time I blow

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…I just wish I wasn’t so alone…

-With hope that you can see you are not alone, Starfish

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