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Sunday, July 17, 2011


What if I stopped choosing and started listening?

So I have this obsession with concepts that can be summed up neatly and nicely in one word. You might have gathered this... Love. Compassion. Liberation. Hope. You get the picture. Well, thanks to J.K. Rowling and the Harry Potter series, choice has been one of these obsessions for me for a while now. The idea that we all, as humans, have light and dark inside of us and that we can't choose that fact, but we can choose how to respond, which to express, which to allow to motivate us in our actions each and every day. I think that it is these choices that, over time, begin to define our character. Great. Super. Except, maybe I have it all wrong...

So last night I had a four hour conversation with a dear, dear friend about El Salvador. (Can someone explain to me why I'm not there right now? 'Cause I'd really like to be. I digress...) This friend has been a witness over the years to my struggles with my faith and spirituality and was very aware of the way I was talking about god openly and naturally... in a way I hadn't in just about three years. I've been so particular about the language I use to describe my faith because I was so afraid of being associated with something I'm not. Well, I don't know who or what the hell god is, but I do know there's something that has lived inside of me for my entire life, something that lights up my eyes, something that pulls me enthusiastically out of bed in the morning, something that drives me when I don't think I can go anymore, something that takes me over and flows through me, something that allows me to love in ways I didn't know I was capable of, something that brings me peace in the midst of surrender and break downs, something that transforms my dark into light, something that gives me both hope and hunger for more, something that draws me forth into the woman I was made to be, something that breaks my heart, something that drags me into the discomfort of really difficult questions, something that holds me tenderly while I'm there, something that has laid out the journey which has brought me to the place I am right now.

What the hell does this have to do with choice, you ask? Lately, I don't want to make choices anymore. Lately, I want to surrender to this something inside of me. I don't know what that means all the time, I don't know how it will look, or feel, or turn out. I don't know for sure how to do this. But I do know that I trust it and that I want it. I don't want to choose the light. I want to be a vessel of it, I want to surrender to it, I want to allow it to flow through me--no matter what that means.

I had a spiritual director who taught me a little bit about listening to other people, about what it means to be present to people, about what it means to practically love someone, about understanding, and about compassion. Until now I never thought of how badly I want to listen to my insides, to my spirit, to the divine presence I want so badly to be constantly aware of, to my body, to my being, to the miracle that is my unique life. So... hey, I know you're listening. I'm surrendering to you. I know it's not that easy and that sometimes I'll wanna take control right back into my own little hands, so I'm asking for the strength to give myself to you. That's the only choice I want to make, and I want to make it over and over... every moment of every day. I want so badly to be yours, to be authentic, to be the woman I was purposefully made to be, to be a vessel, to be one with you. When you call, I want to be listening so that I can answer.

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