i have eternal hope in healing and in growing.

Alright, I am going to be most authentic since I am writing about authenticity: Two years ago I was at home getting intensive therapy because I contemplated committing suicide enough that I taped the screens onto my windows to deter myself from doing something that I didn’t really want to do. I don’t usually go into detail about this time in my life for two reasons: it upsets the shit out of people who love me and no one really wants to talk about suicide.

Here is why I am talking about it and writing about it anyway: I have come to realize over the course of the past two years that this was a life changing, defining, cathartic, motivating, inspiring and traumatic time in my life. So much happened and therefore so much of my life has been shaped by the falling into and climbing out of depression.

First, when I think back to those months of my life, I couldn’t really imagine ever being okay again. It just didn’t seem possible. Would I ever go to bed at night thinking about anything else besides jumping out of my window? Would a day go by that I didn’t feel the need to lay in fetal position and cry? Would I be able to function in my life (or even graduate) when deciding which homework assignment to work on first or what to eat for dinner was such a complicated and difficult decision that I had to have a major mental breakdown before I could choose and act accordingly? Would I ever feel joy that wasn’t inextricably connected to pain? I couldn’t imagine living, which is why dying seemed awful, yes, yet simultaneously easier.

Today, it takes a lot for me to try to get back inside that mindset because I am so far from it. I don’t wonder these things anymore because I am well aware that no matter how shitty things get, I am resilient and I will always be (better than) okay eventually. I have eternal hope in healing and in growing.

It is equally difficult for me to get inside the mindset that I had for the twenty years prior to this life-altering depression. I forget sometimes because I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin than I ever thought I could, but really, I am so much happier. This isn’t to say that I am completely authentic every moment of every day or that I don’t still have a long and challenging journey ahead of me, but knowing how far I have come brings me endless motivation and anticipatory excitement! I get to keep learning about myself and keep growing into that person! Best of all, as I learn and grow, I get to love myself every second along the way.